Three Styles of Communication

Learn about three communication styles: passive, aggressive, and assertive.

Passive

Assertive Communication is telling someone what you need in a way that is clear and straightforward. Tone of voice, body language, and words contribute to a person’s communication style. Parents can use the skills below to improve the way they communicate with their children, especially when setting and enforcing limits.

• Body language: no eye contact, not facing the person
• Voice: soft spoken, inaudible, uncertain, weak tone
• Words: apologetic, “Ok, I’ll do what you want.”

Aggressive

The goal of aggressive behavior is to show power. Yelling, put downs, and physical violence are part of aggression. By showing aggression, you can disrespect others.

• Body Language: getting too close to the person (in their face), shaking a fist, or pointing a finger
• Voice: shouting, bullying tone, teasing tone
• Words: sarcastic, rude, empty threats, focusing on the person instead of the problem; “You’re stupid.” “Well, aren’t you smart.” “You better stop or I’ll make sure you never have another playdate.”

Assertive

In assertive behavior, the goal is clear and respectful communication focusing on what you want or need. Being assertive fosters respect for both yourself and others. This is because you are able to respect the thoughts, feelings, and perspectives of others while simultaneously defending your own right to have opposing thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. When addressing behaviors that cross your boundaries or are inappropriate, assertiveness skills allow you to take positive action to improve a situation while addressing behaviors, not the worth of the person. As Becky Bailey (2000) explains, “Being respectful means focusing on improving behavior rather than on getting children to feel bad about their actions.”

• Body Language: stand tall with shoulders back and look at the person you’re talking to; in control of your body.
• Voice: calm, firm, clear, confident tone
• Words: speaks about problems or situations, not people; speaks up for themselves and others, set clear boundaries: “I would like you to stop pushing me.”

Read more about assertive behavior here and here.

We recommend this children’s book for talking about assertiveness with your child: The Mouse, the Monster, and Me by P. Palmer and S. Rama Amazon Affiliate Link