Parenting Guide

Assertiveness In Parenting

Assertive Communication is telling someone what you need in a way that is clear and straightforward. Tone of voice, body language, and words contribute to a person’s communication style. Parents can use the skills below to improve the way they communicate with their children, especially when setting and enforcing limits.

A thorough background on Assertiveness can be found at Nemours TeensHealth.
Read more about how assertiveness differs from passiveness and aggressiveness.

Communicating Assertively

Focus on what you want or need. When a child misbehaves, parents often react immediately by telling the child what is wrong with the behavior. Instead, assertive communication begins with taking a moment to focus on what behavior you want to see and then asking the child to do that. Sometimes, this means letting go of expectations you don’t really care about and pay more attention to expectations that are very important to you.
Communicate assertively to get what you want or need. Use assertive body language and tone of voice and choose respectful words. Stay calm; when necessary, take a few slow, deep breaths before responding to your child.
Model assertiveness. Be assertive in your interactions with others. Your child often picks up information about how to act by watching how you handle yourself in different situations.
Role play. With your child, practice assertiveness in different real-world scenarios. Encourage your child to focus on what they want/need and communicate clearly.

For some adults, it is challenging to adjust to children being assertive; however, children can better protect themselves from victimization by learning to be assertive, even with adults who might have authority over them. Try to reinforce your child’s assertiveness by responding respectfully and with assertiveness.

Example

Your child is playing in the house and is beginning to get too excited and loud. You could react impulsive and shout from the other room, “Quiet down now or else,” and threaten some loss of privilege. However, this models aggressive problem solving and may end up escalating the problem.

Instead, take a moment to think about what behavior you want to see. Take some deep breaths to regain your emotional control if needed. Then, go to where your child is, get on their level, and look at your child when you talk to them. Using a calm, clear voice say, “Please speak softly when you are playing inside.”